“The backslider in heart will be filled with his own ways, but a good man will be satisfied from above.” – Proverbs 14:14

SPIRITUALITY is a concept I’ve yet to fully grasp. My knowledge of faith, remarkably better in my earlier days as a Christian, diminishes with each passing day.

Despite my regression, I still think accepting Christ as my Savior was the best decision I ever made. I guess I need to be reminded of that fact more often. After making countless wrong choices regarding women, family and school, I’m glad I got one thing right.

But somewhere along the way, I made a wrong turn. To cite a cliché, I’m backsliding.

I can’t quite remember where it started. All I could recall was how I started losing interest in growing within the faith. Despite efforts to inch my way back, I’ve been numb for the past years.

There was a time when I would always be in constant prayer. Though I never really got to figure out the way it worked, I talked to God like He was within earshot. The remarkable thing about it was that I didn’t have to remind myself about anything. As opposed to now, when praying seems to be a cumbersome practice. I lack the connection I seek.

Back then, God was like my Jimminy Cricket, constantly talking over my shoulder. I’d like to think of that as a good indication of how close I was to the “Man upstairs.” Otherwise, I would have lost my sanity and was probably just hearing voices in my head, which isn’t exactly a remote possibility.

Despite my confusion, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t give an arm and a leg to have that feeling again.

The obsessive-compulsive crammer

At a low point in my life, I once blamed God for not giving me something I sorely wanted. Looking back, I cringe at the fact that I was dumb enough to think that God had it in for me. I went into a sort of spiritual rebellion.

But after being consumed by my anger, God proved me wrong. To this day, I am amazed at how near-sighted people can be, myself included. I just hope a similar “method to the madness” ploy is running in my present situation. I pray that I’ve learned my lesson.

I’m still trying. I’d probably die before I concede my Christian walk a failure. But sometimes, I fear I’ve peaked out then. It’s downhill all the way. Simultaneous with crossing my fingers to the prospect that effort counts for something, I sure hope not.

Prayer: Father, thank you for getting me through the day. I pray that I would be able to live a life that is beyond reproach so that other people would know you. Amen.


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