“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

I was talking over the phone with my mom and dad the other night, just before they left for a trip to the US. What struck me was when my mother said, “It’s okay if you don’t pass the boards, we won’t die if you didn’t.  Nakakahiya nga lang.”

I don’t know if they were trying to do a reverse-psychology, or if they had evolved from being authoritarian parents to benevolent ones. All I know is that I am worried about passing, not because I failed to prepare enough but because in truth, nursing has never been my passion.

I do not know what future awaits all of the UST Nursing graduates. Some of my classmates have gone to Canada and the US as early as now, while the rest have stayed to prepare for the July exams.

Four years of bittersweet study, and now we are on our own. The University is vying for a 100 percent passing rate. The pressure is becoming more intense as the countdown before judgment day draws nearer.  Anxious and nervous as I am today, I am brought back to the question of why I chose this path that I never even wanted in the first place.

I was ambivalent all along. I got hold of shifting papers when I was an incoming college sophomore. I never thought I would finish Nursing, because every start of a new school year, I always contemplated on embarking on another field of study. I ask myself, “Bakit, hindi ba ako uunlad kung hindi ito ang kinuha ko?”

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'Miracle worker, gracious Teacher'

When I started as a student nurse, I was clueless?like the blind leading the blind. But now, having spent three years as a student nurse in the hospital, I can say I have had a dose of everything. From being reprimanded by my clinical instructor, to being truly appreciated by my geriatric patient; I have been exposed to a different life that is a completely new universe?the hospital.

I am aware that internship is far from the real nursing work. Honestly, I never loved the seemingly routine tasks, which all required extensive knowledge and the use of critical thinking. Not to mention utilizing one’s physical, emotional and spiritual aspects- it’s “biopsychosocially” draining. But even if I lack that certain kind of fervor for the profession, I can firmly say that I will stand for it.

In the end, it seems that I will never ever get to imbibe what I have experienced in this profession if I took another “path to success.” But ask me now if I’ll miss working in the hospital, and I’ll say “no”. Nevertheless, I will miss the lessons I learned from fellow health care workers, most especially from those patients lying in bed, who taught me the simplest, most genuine meaning of living.

I bow down to those who express true empathy.

A dear friend told me that sometimes, the will to win is more important than the skill to win. Now, I firmly believe in his supposition.

In the next few months I wish to be clad in the most white gala, together with my batch mates, but I don’t know if I’d ever see myself wearing the white uniform again when I take my dose of the “real world.”

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Bloody business

***

Salute to the Varsitarian. I still am alive and kicking.

To our V advisers, thank you for the trust and the opportunity that you gave me. Despite the jumble I got into when you pushed me into being “holy,” I still value everything.

To my original Filipino family, thank you. Kuya Sam, you are the best editor one can ever have. Mark, my best partner, I’ll always treasure the times when I worked with you.

To my Witness family, may you continue the legacy of being “holy.” To those I have ‘mentored,’ I hope you learned something from the pseudo-greenhorn. Jenn O., I trust you. Brylle, may you be able to accept your fate. Robin, may your coming home bring you closer to God, as well as to the priests. Ching, thank you for being ever reliable. And to Camille, thanks for being my best V-buddy.

To the Varsitarian staffers, good luck on all of your endeavors.

To 4NUR8, my RLE 8.3, my best thesis-mates Jer, Nikki, Gelo, Graci, and Ruby, and to Marcus, thank you for making me feel blissful during my best and my worst times in Nursing.

To our professors in the College of Nursing, I promise to use all that I have learned from you when my time comes to impart what I have.

To my family, and to the Lord, I offer you all.

And to the Gremlin that I refused to leave, “may you find your way in the dark.” 

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