“None of us lives for himself, nor dies for himself. If we live, we live for the Lord, and if we die, we die for Him.” – Romans 14:7-8
WITH the high cost of living these days, it’s really hard to survive with only a sari-sari store as source of income. And it has been tough to make ends meet for my mom who raises two teenagers on her own.
For weeks, I had been hoping that my distant father would help us out with our needs but he never really gave any support. I became angry with him, and eventually with myself, for I couldn’t do anything to help solve our financial problems.
My mom’s anxiety added up to my frustrations. One night, I misplaced 3,000 pesos left to my care. My mom got really upset, for it was a big sum of money which, to make things worse, belonged to someone else.
I felt so guilty and irresponsible for what I had done. It was already frustrating not to be able to help my mother, and now, I caused another burden by misplacing the money.
I felt so worthless, and wished the floor would open up and swallow me. I thought that if I died, my mom wouldn’t have such a worthless daughter anymore. I lost all reason. It was then that I saw the blade.
Blinded by my yoke, I seized the blade and slashed my wrist. No matter how much I cut myself, I didn’t feel a thing, I became numb.
I stared at my wrist and the numbness started to fade. I felt sharp, throbbing pains from my cuts. As if I was splashed with cold water, I realized the mistake in what I did. I tried to wipe the blood away, and I was thankful that the cuts weren’t deep. A while later, I fell asleep.
My mom’s voice woke me up. She had come into my room and saw what I did. She asked me why I did it. I was disoriented, I couldn’t give a sensible reply. She tucked me back in bed, saying that we’d talk about it the next day. As she left shocked, I thought of what my loved ones would have felt had I died. I felt selfish for dwelling on my pain.
I have never tried to kill myself before. I have always known that suicide wouldn’t solve problems. My attempt with it confirmed my belief. I thought about all the wonderful things in my life. I realized how blessed I am, and how stupid it was to try to throw my life away.
Life is such a wonderful thing to waste. The trials we face are not meant to make our lives miserable. On the contrary, once we overcome these obstacles, we learn to appreciate life’s joys. God gave us life for a reason, and every time we rise above our troubles, we take a step closer to that purpose.
My family has barely recovered from our financial difficulties, and things are still a bit rough. But seeing the loving look on my mom’s face whenever she kisses me good night makes me feel grateful that I am alive.
Prayer: Lord God, thank you for the gift of life. I am very sorry for trying to throw it away. Thank you for my family and friends who are very supportive and please guide me to overcome the trials that come my way. Help me appreciate the goodness of life instead of dwelling in pain. With You by my side, my burdens are easier to bear. Amen. Rica May M. Forto
